I attended our Sunday School ladies Bible study tonight. We have a small group that meets every other Tuesday night, and we just started a new study entitled "Jonah- Navigating a Life Interrupted".
Just from the title I was a little cautious about this study. You know the old saying, "Don't pray for patience...", well, that's how I felt. I certainly didn't want to study about life interruptions, because I felt it would be an open invitation for God to send a few my way.
I missed the introductory session and video of the study. Sickness. Bleh... So without any in depth thought put into it, my internal dialogue going into the week's homework was as follows:
"Hhhmmm... life interrupted? I wonder how this will apply to me? I feel like my life is somewhat calm right now... somewhat.... I sure hope I'm not doing this study because God is preparing me for something He's planning... something He wants to interrupt... I don't like change... I don't like being interrupted...."
Great attitude, right? What can I say... I'm human.
So I started into the homework. I applaud the author, Priscilla Shirer, for not making it too difficult or tedious, but still, there are some thought provoking questions. I don't know why, but it always takes me FOREVER to answer some of the simplest questions in these books. Like this one from day one of the homework:
"What are some of your life goals that you've yet to see become a reality?"
Chew on that one for a minute.
"What are some of your life goals that you've yet to see become a reality?"
You see? Maybe it's not such a simple question after all. Just an easily asked question, but one that is hard to answer. At least it was for me.
Why so hard to answer? Maybe because I am living "the dream life". I have a wonderful husband, beautiful kids, a nice home, a loving church family... there really isn't anything I feel I should "complain" about. I know of so many families with serious health concerns, financial burdens, job struggles, marital problems... REAL heartbreaking issues... and anything I would answer the question with personally, pales in comparison.
I didn't want to answer it because my list of unrealized life goals would seem petty. But I couldn't leave the space blank, so I thought... and thought... and finally put aside my fear of answering with something insignificant and wrote this real-life, unrealized goal:
"Sending my kids to a private, Christian school."
I was sure that this would be balked at. It was not a "major enough" issue. It certainly shouldn't be anything I should be upset over. There were bound to be more dramatic answers from others... My answer would be viewed as a frivolous "want", not a dashed dream. There are surely more serious issues in life to get upset over.
That is all true. There are many more struggles out there than what I can personally fathom...
But it didn't ask me to answer for anyone else but me.
And I shouldn't compare my life to others, or my Bible study answers to others. (And yet I do. Again, it's that human side of me.)
So there it was. My unrealized dream. My current life disappointment. And throughout the course of me thinking about it and answering other homework questions involving it, I came to realize I view it as just that. A life disappointment.
And here's the problem with viewing it as a life disappointment... it has affected my life's purpose. Not being able to send my kids to a Christian school lead to my current situation- I am instead homeschooling my daughter.
Homeschooling.
It's something I NEVER thought I would do. To say I am a reluctant homeschooler is an understatement. That's a blog all in itself. But let's just say I had "views" on homeschoolers, and they weren't all flattering. (or true, for that matter.... again, that's for another blog....)
But here I am. A homeschooling mom.
A homeschooling mom....
How do I feel about it? Well, my Bible study demanded an answer.
"In the margin list three adjectives that describe how you feel about interruptions you've faced in your life plans."
Relating this to my previous answer, my margin now bears these three words:
Frustration
Delay
Bitter
Frustration because this is not what I planned for my life. I didn't necessarily want to be a homeschooler. Before my kids actually reached school age, I hypothetically put it out there as an option if we couldn't afford private school, but I never thought it would be an option I would have to actually take.
Delay because I home schooled Ava last year for K-5, but thought we'd win that lottery (not really, we don't play) or Shannon would get that promotion (still praying) or money would fall into our laps (still waiting) and by 1st grade we would send her to school. And that's the same thing I've been thinking this year... by 2nd grade maybe we can send her to school.... just that feeling of waiting and delaying getting back to my plans.
Bitter. This is a tough one to describe. No one wants to admit to feeling bitter. But some days I do. I know it's a privelege to get to teach your own child... think of all that extra bonding time you are getting with them.... blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah........Just think of how much more I could get done if I weren't homeschooling. My days would be easier. There wouldn't be that constant struggle to fit it all in. I wouldn't have that constant feeling that I was failing and falling short at what I think other homeschooling moms must be great at. I might have more "me" time. I could have the mornings to run errands and devote more time to my two boys... Yes, shamefully I sometimes feel bitter that I am homeschooling.
I am ashamed about how I feel about homeschooling. Still, I haven't felt that it is a legitimate thing to be disappointed over, or to feel bitter over, or to feel "interrupted" by. So I don't say much about it. I just do it. Day after day I go through the motions and I do. And I put aside all of those above feelings because certainly they are trivial. Certainly not legitimate.
And then as we sat and watched the video tonight, I was hit with my aha-moment. (You were wondering when I was going to get to that, weren't you?)
I wish I could remember exactly what she said, but a great memory is not my boasting point. As best I can remember, she was speaking about some of those possible life interruptions that we as the viewers might relate to. Her list paralleled much of my list above. You know, the BIG ones:
Maybe you planned on being married, but still find yourself single. Maybe you want kids but are childless... Maybe you based your life around a career and making money and found yourself called into ministry or the mission field....
Truthfully, as she listed more I momentarily tuned out. I wasn't relating. I was thinking back to the answer I had written in my book and beating myself up about feeling frustrated, delayed, and bitter over what wasn't a "real" problem.
And then I snapped back into the present when I heard this final example coming from the speaker- not word for word, but the gist of what was said:
Maybe are a stay at home mom. You have young kids. You are tired and stressed, and were longing for the day when they would reach that magical age and you could send them off to school. You knew at least you would have that time everyday- that 8 to 3 window- and you would get a break. You were so looking forward to that break, and then- God called you to home school....
Say what?? ...............
Did she just list homeschooling as an unexpected change in life's plans?
Did she just legitimize my "minor" life interruption??
Had I not been in a room with other women trying to get their own meat from the message, I would have boo-hooed right then and there. As it were, I quietly dabbed a few tears before they were able to escape my eyes.
It was as if God Himself had reached through that screen, put His arm around my shoulder and told me it was ok to feel the way I had been feeling. I had a legitimate reason to feel interrupted.
From that point in the video I was alert and attentive. But that poor memory of mine lives on. I can't tell you any direct words that were spoken, but I can relay that I could sense that God was using those words to start a change in my heart.
The biggest heart change might spark from this change in thought.
She explained the difference between viewing life and goal changes as being interrupted vs. divinely intervened. God is not interrupting our lives for sport. He is divinely intervening in our lives for a purpose. And this is a quote- from the book- "Our significance, at least the kind that will leave an eternal mark, can only really be found in how fully we yield to God's purposes for our lives."
Aha again! That's it. I haven't been yielding. I wasn't looking at this change in my plans as a divine intervention.
For the past year and a half I have been viewing my current state of homeschooling as a "for now" situation. I'm doing this "for now", but surely this isn't His ultimate plan for us.
But in that "it's only for now" viewpoint, I disregarded the fact that homeschooling is truly what God has asked me to do right now.
To continue to buck it and view it as temporary "until we can afford Christian school" is to miss out on the now. To miss the fact that He asked it of me is to miss that He called me to home school. If I don't view it as His calling, I will likely miss His purposes behind it. If I don't view it as His calling, I'm not yielding to Him to discover what those purposes are.
Bottom-line: I am a homeschooling mom because God has called me to be so. Whether it's just for now or ends up being forever.
Aha! I have been so much like Jonah. Ready to jump on that ship in the opposite direction (away from homeschooling) as soon as the opportunity would come. Trying to run from what I feared might be God's calling on my life by labeling it as a "temporary interruption".
Yikes. We know what happened to Jonah when he ran.
My final aha-God-moment came tonight in realizing that I need to stop trying to run. Am I saying I'm certain God wants me to homeschool all 3 kids through graduation? No... truthfully, I'm still secretly hoping not....
I just realize that I need to embrace where God has me "for now" and pray that He will change the desires of my heart to be in line with His desires and plans for my life for-ever- whatever that plan ends up being. And pray that I will obey His call and do it cheerfully.
Wow.
This is just week one.
I'm no longer fearful of what interruptions this study might bring on.
I'm pretty excited about the changes God is making in my heart already.
All through a life
